Depression is a bitch, y’all. I’ve always been prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder, but this year it has hit me especially hard. The past several weeks have been exceptionally challenging for my mental health. I’ve lost interest in a lot of things, including reading, which shows you exactly how bad it’s been. I’ve been unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time (edit – it took me over an hour to write this post because my brain is just not functioning properly). And mostly I just want to “turtle,” which is my term for wanting to pull myself into my shell. I’ve been forcing myself to not give in to the urge to spend all of my free hours in my bed, snuggled under my weighted blanket and watching Heartstopper on Netflix for the 87th time. Because honestly? That’s all I really want to do.
Pharmacology has been a blessing over the past couple of years. My personal cocktail of meds is made up of Lexapro, Wellbutrin, and Trazodone, and it’s generally kept me out of the gaping maw of the anxiety and depression monster. Today I had my usual quarterly appointment with my physician. I could tell that she noticed my obviously low mood; I wasn’t being my usual snarky self, with smiles for everyone. We talked for quite a while, and we came up with a new game plan. We’re tweaking my meds, upping my Wellbutrin dosage and adding a small Trazodone dose in the morning in addition to the 50mg I take at bedtime to help me sleep. And she convinced me to try a therapist. I’ve previously done some therapy on BetterHelp but I think I would do better talking with someone face-to-face. And for the S.A.D. I’m going to try one of those light therapy lamps which mimic sunshine. That will primarily be used at work, because I work in a windowless office with fluorescent lights. I may get a second one for use at home if all goes well.
So yeah, that’s my status update for now. Tomorrow is my 54th birthday and I’d really like to be able to enjoy it, but we will see what the day brings. Stay safe, y’all.
